I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
