did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Randomize
