Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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