Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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