I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
