I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Ambien. No doubt about it.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
