if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
