I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Randomize
