Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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