Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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