i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
