Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
