Four minutes until I can fart!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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