So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
