Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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