It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
