The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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