hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
