my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
