If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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