Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
