Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
