I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
