Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
