Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
