I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
