my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
