The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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