My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
