in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
