I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
