I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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