Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
