So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
