What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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