Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
