It's a beautiful day for a hangover
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Congratulations! We have a period
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
