Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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