Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
