She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
