Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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