I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
