A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
