I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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