Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Actions speak louder than pants.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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