FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
