I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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