I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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