im about as happy as oj after his trial
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
