So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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