I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
