mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
drinking out of a sandbucket again
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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