my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
