I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
