I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
