just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
